Saturday, September 30, 2017

Abiriga, The Yellow Coward Who Got Goofed

A melee is a melee. Be it in a boxing ring, the kafunda, Old Taxi Park and even in parliament where round the world, it’s been happening for years - from Taiwan to South Korea, Japan to Ukraine, and Italy to Greece... The list is endless.

Closer to home, Africa’s most illustrious parliamentary brawler is South Africa’s Julius Sello Malema, leader of the Economic Freedom Fighters (EFF), a political party. For Malema, tussling in parliament is his way of life – part of EFF’s DNA and they relish in it.

South Africa's Julius Malema

 Here, I have asked and nobody can recall if any of our legislators has been involved in a physical melee at parliament. Of course there have been numerous ranting spats on the steps of parliament, but not a physical melee though I do stand to be corrected on that.

Well, until last week of course.

But hold up a second or two before we get into the gist of today's ramble. Remember what Kenny Rodgers crooned all those years ago in his song - Coward of The County, that......

 "Everyone considered him the coward of the county, he'd never stood one single time, to prove the county wrong his mama called him Tommy, but folks just called him yellow...
  
Bernard Atiku, Ayivu MP (wherever that is) and Ibrahim Abiriga, Arua Municipality MP (and at least I do know where Arua is), were in parliament for obvious reasons. They are members of parliament. That aside, they were going to discuss a topic to do with age.
 
Ibrahim Abiriga MP

Somewhere in the corridors when they met up and faced each other, they had a verbal spat that words such as “stupid” and “fool” were hurled at Atiku and that was it. The fuse was lit. Akitu charged at Abiriga. In retaliation, Abiriga grabbed Akitu by the neck and as the scuffle unfolded, Cop stepped in. The basis of the fight, is of course of no concern to us in this column but what is, is that both MPs did NOT observe ‘melee protocol.’

Melees are usually preceded by a crowd baying for blood as both sides square up. In this case there was no baying crowd. In the absence of a baying crowd, they could have had a curtain raiser – like an artiste to sing a song or two before the fight. Seeing that Bobby Wine is not just an MP but a musician too, he could have crooned one or two songs. 
 
The Melee Going Down

Secondly, in this day and age, who still uses “stupid” and “fool” as words of insult and worthy of a fight? There is an arsenal of vulgar swear words that are more effectual – that sear though the soul and sever anything to do with rational thought. I would have laid bare some of the words, but the ladies who sit on Sunday Vision Censor Board are very effective at their job.
Cops Rush In To Save The Day

Once the dust had settled, what did Abiriga ask for? Hmm, water while Akitu probably went off to celebrate with friends and drink a muzinga of JW Blue label and pop a bottle or two of Moet champagne.

And MP listen up, when you fight make sure the TV cameras are nearby and don’t simply go in for a scuffle of grabbing necks. Swing hot slaps, put fingers up his nose, tear his shirt – at least pull one sleeve off. If not, leave it in tatters.

Then lunge for his trousers – get that belt off him so his pants fall. And as he flees do a ‘Muntadhar al-Zaid’ and throw your shoes at him because all this makes for great Bukedde TV news.
 
Only Losers Ask For Water

Once the dust has settled and you face the media, this is how you handle it.

If You Got Goofed:

“It’s very unfortunate that my honourable friend attacked me. I am a family man and uphold family values. God is my saviour and will see me through.”

If You Triumphed:

“That MP, tumbavu! Who does he think he is? I could have kicked his butt all the way back to his constituents so they see the coward that his is. I wouldn’t be surprised if his wife left him to come live with me because I am a real man! Now I hear he went crying to M7. What will M7 do, send mambas to arrest me? Adangamu!”     


By the way, Muntadhar al-Zaid is the Iraqi journalist whose claim to fame is throwing his shoes at George Bush in December 2008.   

Muntadhar al-Zaid

Pictures: New Vision, Agencies