Thursday, September 15, 2016

Listen Nambooze & Lokodo - Beer, Pork & Porn Are The Cajoled Triplets

On my travels to the Middle East, I never got to meet Muhammad Saeed al-Sahhaf (Below) – better known to us all as Comical Ali or Baghdad Bob. Comical Ali, was the outrageous Iraqi Information Minister during the 2003 Iraq War and earned the nicknames for his wild claims and colourful statements while, Iraq was being invaded and overrun by American and British forces.

His top ten quotes at the height of the war and when it was all too evident that all had been lost are.

1. “There are no American infidels in Baghdad. Never!”
2. “My feelings - as usual - we will slaughter them all.”
3. “Our initial assessment is that they will all die.”
4. “God will roast their stomachs in hell at the hands of Iraqis.”
5. “They're coming to surrender or be burned in their tanks.”
6. “No I am not scared, and neither should you be!”
7. “We slaughtered them yesterday and we will continue to slaughter them.”
8. “Indeed, they are shocked because of what they have seen.”
9. “They were received with bombs, shoes and bullets.”
10. “We are not afraid of the Americans. Allah has condemned them. They are stupid.”

Should we swing him a 'hmm'? Yes I think so. Hmm.

As a politician, Comical Ali did whatever it took to try and spin the PR machine in favour of the Iraqi’s and to convince the populous that Saddam Hussein and the government were winning the war. If it meant telling lies – which he did, then so be it.

That is what politicians – Minister and MP does. They tell lies. If they are not telling lies, then they sell false dreams and hopes of piped water, dual carriageway roads to kyalo, hospitals and schools. When they can’t tell lies, they then propose a bill or want to buy something that is one step short of committing themselves onto the fast track to Butabika Hospital and being shackled to a bed.
Some months ago, Minster (Below) decided that if he were given sh2.6bn, the best way he could use the money was to go to Germany and buy a porn machine that would be able to detect naughty men and women looking at porn magazines and videos. He convinced himself that the plan would work and that Finance Minister would swing him the dime. So at a Media Centre press conference, he unveiled his plans to the nation. Should we also swing him a ‘hmm’? I think so. Hmm.

But wait a minute. Is this not the same Porn Cop who years ago told us how he was going to rid Uganda of prostitution and the same Porn Cop who told us he is going to clamp down on women who wear short skirts? For a long as I can remember, all that Porn Cop has achieved since he was appointed, is to huff and puff fwaa style and again huff and puff fwaa style till he ran out of breath and announced the porn machine idea had died.

Then there is MP. I have never met MP and the little I know about her, I glean from the papers and television. MP as far as I can gather, is like an irritant – that mosquito that somehow manages to get into the mosquito net - not to bite you, but to take delight in buzzing about you your ears. And when you switch on the light to look for it, it’s never to be seen.

A few weeks back, MP decided that that her contribution as an MP is to table a bill that would curtail and limit our drinking of alcohol to between 5:00pm and midnight. A ‘hmm’ for her as well? I think so. Hmm.

When we go to eat our kilos of pork on a raucous Saturday or Sunday afternoon, what does MP expect us to wash the ribs down with? Wava Water? Britannia Splash juice? And that come midnight the bars should shut just when the real party is starting because the adults like her have gone to bed? What about Mama Nanffuka? Her kafunda is her livelihood and the reason why she has managed to put her kids through school is because she caters for Discerning Customer who wants to drink start drinking when he wants to start drinking and stop drinking when he wants to stop drinking.

I don’t know what the rest of you are doing about it or if you have been throwing stones at her ride, but I have arranged two rooms at Butabika – one for her, and the other for the Porn Cop. All I need are some of my Twitter followers who, I am sure like their pork and beer as much as I do like OptaJude, Bernard Loum, Edo, BMK Gift Snr, Esther Kalenzi, Sourced and Jemima Na-gundi to help me get them into the strait jackets.

One thing that Porn Cop and MP don't know but ought to get into their heads is that, porn, alcohol and pork are like cajoled triplets - just like the offertory basket and church or Kizza Besigye and riot police are like cajoled twins. It’s the way of life the world over except of course, in Saudi, Iran and ISIS controlled areas. They can’t be separated.

So MP, if you want to start catching at 5:00pm and be in bed by midnight, that is your prerogative but while your perched on the Mukwano soap box uttering nonsensical utterances, Horseman, Doc, Julio, Lukwago and I are on our fourth beers at CHOGM in Bunga and its only 1:00pm. 

As for you Porn Cop, listen up - Hawker has just called and told us that he is on his way. He has some CDs of sexy 'brown brown' Namakula showing off her massive size 34DDs at 3k each. And fret not, for we know where your office is and Semambo, our boda chap, will discreetly drop you a CD or two on Monday. 

By the way MP, where we catch from, as long as Customer is still drinking, they will never close. 

Pictures: New Vision, Daily Monitor, AFP