Thursday, May 12, 2016

Allah, Are The 72 Virgins Really Waiting For Us?

Allah, we have a problem. We all at some point in our lives have protested. We protested as kids when Parent melted down punishments that we thought were taken straight from a Nazi handbook at Auschwitz. Some protest over working conditions while House-ee protests by serving rice that is lumped better than posho or matooke can ever be lumped. The two doctors – Kizza Besigye and Stella Nyanzi have also protested - KB over elections results and Nyanzi over her office.

The last time I was in a protest, it was in Masindi years ago and to quell my protestations, Security Guard gave me a thorough lashing with a wire cane. Quelling the House-ee protest, we simply sack her, while Besigye is slapped with imprisonment and house arrest.

In some protests, Protest Organiser gives us an incentive to protest by becoming a martyr with a palatable and very appealing bonus - especially if you are a man. In Islamic circles, especially those that ISIS, Al Shabab and Al Queada drift in, it is said that at the end of the protest, you will go to heaven as a martyr where Allah shall reward you with 72 beautiful virgins - but only if you strapped enough TNT to your chest and blown yourself up at a train station in Europe or better still in the US.

However, what Protest Organiser does not tell us is: 1. When do we get the virgins. 2. Are they delivered in a batch or once a month? 3. Where do they come from – Uganda, Brazil, Japan? 4. Are they really beautiful with a Beyonce body - or are they fat mamas?

As a man, the thought of 72 virgins is right up my avenue and was tempted to find a martyrdom cause but, and it’s an upper cased BUT. I was deeply perturbed when Failed Afghan Protester who chickened out of the mission at the 11th hour, was found wearing underwear made out of metal casing. When asked why during the interrogation, he said something along the lines of: ‘Wanting to protect his manhood from being blown up so he could ‘perform’ for his virgins. A valid point that got me thinking twice.

Then came utterances by the Canadian author - Irshad Manji, who was actually born here in Kampala – Old Kampala to be precise. Currently, she is an advocate of a ‘reformist’ interpretation of Islam and was once described by The New York Times as "Osama bin Laden's worst nightmare".

Manji argues that Muslim Scholar has the wrong interpretation of the Koran and that Protest Organiser has been feeding young men fibs about the virgins. According to her, in heaven, Allah merely rewards with 72 raisins and not 72 virgins. He gives you raisins so that when you return to the Middle East dessert, you can plant them and they will grow to fruition despite the harsh climate.  

The confusion she says came about when Scholar, who was hard of hearing, heard the word ‘virgin’ and not ‘raisin’ and next, it became common folklore.

I am not overtly impressed with Manji. She killed my virgin dream. I had it mapped out – frolicking on a circular bed with silk sheets while Virgin1 feeds me the finest grapes from the hills of Lebanon as Virgin66 massaged my chest with olive oil. Virgin42 would be psyching me up for the task at hand and as the day wore into the night, I would consummate my martyrdom by sleeping with Virgin14, 16 and 72.

But I really do feel very sorry for Young Men who bought into the virgin dream and who are now spitting fire in a hospital casualty ward in heaven – their genitalia blown off and awaiting to be handed a kaveera of raisins before being repatriated back to the harsh sun baked Middle East dessert – probably somewhere near war ravaged Aleppo in Syria. You now see the problem Allah?    

Pictures & Caricature: Internet