Friday, April 29, 2016

Your Pastor? A Pervy Conman - Period!

Ah Sunday, a day when society that consider themselves ‘righteous and holier than thou’ get all dolled up, take to one of the many churches and then home to rest as, is prescribed in that bestselling religious book – The Bible. It’s also a day for me to tread on a few toes and take more than just a swipe at Pastor and anybody who peddles religion for a living - including that man in the white starched robe from The Vatican who recently paid us a visit.

If you think I am heading down the road to blasphemy and want to cast stones at me, go ahead for its your prerogative, but in my sermon today, Pastor is a fraud and religion is one of the oldest known scams. Though I have not been to Butabika to get official confirmation, my sanity still prevails.

Until a few weeks ago, I had never heard of Prophet Mboro. Prophet Mboro, peddles his religion in the tiny southern African kingdom of Swaziland and recently, he made the news. The Commission for the Promotion and Protection of Cultural, Religious and Linguistic Communities, is investigating him over claims that he supposedly took a sojourn to visit the holy land – not Jerusalem, but to Heaven. Yes, that Heaven where God, Jesus and perhaps nice people like Mother Theresa, Nelson Mandela and Princess Diana now supposedly reside. Did I just hear you shout out “WTF?” Well I did more than that. I prefixed it with a “jeez”.


According to eNCA, a 24-hour South African news channel, Prophet Mboro over the Easter weekend, was in Heaven and whilst there, he took ‘selfies’ of himself on his Samsung Galaxy smartphone.

Eager to cash in on his trip and perhaps recuperate his travelling expenses, hotel accommodation, entry fees to the Garden of Eden, duty free shopping at ‘Heaven International Airport’, Mboro has been selling the selfies via social media site – WhatsApp for E5,000 ($350) a snap. And guess what? Yes, people have been buying them. Jeez!

Mboro aside, there is Oga Pastor who supposedly has the telephone number to the switchboard in Heaven on speed dial. Oga Pastor told women that he had instructions from God to ‘cleanse their souls of evil’. The way he was supposed to do the cleansing, is for the women to come kneel before him and wait for it, wait for it – fondle their breasts while they rest their hands on his man spread groin. Did anybody complain? Err, no.      
    

Another Pastor – in West Africa, took Congregation out into the field for a sumptuous lunch buffet of, err - grass. Again, nobody questioned him and just like that, fell to their hands and knees, pulled up chomps of grass and started eating away.


Meanwhile across in Kenya, Pastor took his sermons to new levels by forcing Female Congregation to perform very nasty oral activities on him. In return, Female Congregation would receive ‘holy milk' through their mouths. Pastor had told Female Congregation that his ‘milk’ is sacred, been anointed by the lord and concentrated by the holy spirit

Said one Female Congregation: “He convinced us that only God could come into our lives through the mouth. Often, after worship, Pastor asked us to do oral acts on him until the Holy Spirit came through ejaculation and delivered funds to the church.” Jesus Christ, how daft do you have to be to know that Pastor is simply a perv?!

Not all Pastors get away with it. One Pastor pulled a stunt of trying to walk on water like Jesus did. It seems Jesus was not with him and pulled the plug on him because, because no sooner had he put his left foot into water than he drowned in front of Congregants.


But sanity prevails – well at least it does for me. Each man and woman to their own so I say and if you want to believe in Pastor, I am so not going to stop you. I am not. You see, I need a part two to this column, so I am going to sit back and wait for to hear how Pastor took you to a private room where he disrobed and used his ‘thingy’ to deliver the holy spirit unto thou.

To be continued… 

Pictures: Internet