Saturday, February 6, 2016

The Precarious Cubicle Susu At 30,000ft

It’s a hard sell for airlines. They use every possible marketing gimmick to get us to put our butts into their seats. It could be pictures of Stewardess with teeth so white and so perfect or, with a smile that not even Smile School can teach you. If not, it will be a tale of how much extra leg room they offer, how wide the seats are or how much extra carry-on baggage they allow.

However, one thing they don’t sell us is the toilet cubicle which on average, measures a measly 3x3ft, that I’ve often wondered how Mama with Butt negotiates herself in that space. I think she waits until some ungodly hour – when Peeps are asleep because, if she is seen going, Society with its unjust hang-ups, will have these thoughts running through its mind. 

1. Oh dear, can’t she see it’s going to be a tight call getting that butt into the cubicle?

2. Jeez, she’s going to spend 20min fighting to get in and 20min trying to get out. 

3. I am certain Flight Attendant made a mental note of her – just in case she broke the toilet and the airline demands compensation.

But to Mama with Butt, there is no need to skulk around in the dead of the night trying to avoid being ridiculed for I have the solution. Walk into the cubicle backwards - that way, once inside and you’ve closed the door ‘in front’ of you so to speak, you don’t have to fight to turn round because your bottom is already facing the pan.

While Fat People tire of getting shamed, women are less than keen about going in after we men have been, because at 30,000+ft, men don’t abide by the: ‘Thou shall not stand and pee, but sit and pee’ edict.

The KQ flight out of JKIA to Bangkok, Thailand was a good flight. Alex Ndawula, DJ Ronnie Sempangi (RIP) and I sat together and were making merry. Apart from the odd bump here and there as we soared into the night sky, it was a smooth flight. Seat belts were unbuckled and seats reclined. When supper was finally out of the way, what to do over the next 10hrs, to catch?

So we caught and the more we caught, the more the need to use the washroom. Once in there, of course it was for peeing while standing because that is how we men pee, but making sure I left the toilet seat wiped dry and clean for Lady who was next in line to use it. Those are proper toilets manners don’t you think?

After numerous and uneventful trips, on this occasion, as soon as I let rip, we hit turbulence big time for about 40 seconds. There is no need to go into the specifics of what it’s like being slightly blazed, locked away in a toilet cubicle measuring 3x3ft, ‘thingy’ all out, while trying to direct the pee into the pan and while being flung from wall-to-wall due to turbulence.

Once the plane settled and I steadied myself, to my horror, major susu damage had been done. It had hit the floor, the ledge behind the seat, the door – I think you get the drift.

Rather than being in and out of there in a flash, I had to stay in an extra 10min to give the place a good wipe down.

When I walked out, Lady waiting to go in, hesitated, then peeped in, then looked back at me. The best I could do was to swing her ‘a reassuring smile’.

Since that mishap, at 30,00ft and in a 3x3ft toilet cubicle I always invoke the: ‘Thou shall not stand and pee, but sit and pee’ rule.