Friday, January 8, 2016

January - The Month of Living On Banja

There is something about the first two weeks of January that makes it as depressing as watching the most daft man from Kiboga district trying to put a jigsaw puzzle together with a piece that has a straight edge into the centre of the puzzle and wondering why it just won’t fit.

This month, January that it, three things will grip us – When is the next public holiday? How do I find the millions of shillings for Junior’s school fees? How will I survive to the end of the month because I have already blown my December pay? But, it’s Fat Person who we shall be looking at as we watch them trying to pluck up the courage to sign up at a gym in a bid to shed the lard.

It’s not politically correct to refer to Fat Person as fat person. The word to use, so I am told, is ‘overweight’. But the reality of it all is they are fat, just like out there, there are skinny people and who don’t go throwing tantrums because they have been called skinny.

I am blessed. I don’t get fat no matter what I eat. Thus, I will never know what fat people go though when they wheeze as they struggle to walk up the stairs, or to constantly sweat. Neither will I go through the anguish they feel when upon entering a taxi, everybody is secretly hoping that they (Fat Person), does not sit next to them.

But after the excesses of Christmas, Fat Person has to do something about the weight. That means for the best part of January and as we lean folk whose bellies are devoid of a beer belly drive home in air con rides, we shall see Fat Person sweating and straining in last year’s MTN marathon t-shirt jogging home or exercising at Kololo airstrip  – if not, walking about in the neighbourhood.

But the funny thing about Fat Person is that, there is a group who like to walk round Kololo airstrip and then drive home thinking they have achieved something. Fat Person, listen up here. Walking is not an exercise. It does nothing for you, nor is it a sport. I know it’s featured in the Olympic Games, but do you think an invite to State House is going to be in the offering because you got a gold medal for walking? I don’t think so. Do you think we will swarm Entebbe Airport to meet you when you come walking out of immigration with the medal draped round your neck? No. The only person that I can think of, and who has made a name for himself through walking, is of course, Johnnie Walker – hear, hear!.  

But while Fat Person struggles to deal with his weight issues, the rest of us will be thinking about school fees and where the money is going to come from. I don’t know which economist or payroll clerk invented the idea of paying December pay before Christmas, but he goofed because the average person blows his December pay way before December is over.

January is the ku banja month where we shop on a banja basis. While getting groceries on banja to tide us through till the end of the month is a tight affair because Market Trader deals only in cash transactions, getting drinks on banja at the local kafunda is the norm and a relatively easy affair. We all have a special relationship with Kafunda Owner for such emergencies and if you see me swing a round this month, just know it was a tight, a very tight round to swing. However, Junior’s school will not accept him for the new term on banja.  

Beware of Girlfie With The Fake Hymen!

I bought the watch from Hawker at Valley Point, Ntinda, in good faith. It was a Casio and after a haggle, I got it at a good price. When I got home and took a closer look at it, it didn’t read Casio, but Gasio. The G was so subtle and made to look like a C. Three days later, Gasio, decided to stop telling me the time.

We have all bought something fake at some point and especially from the Chinese. However, the trade in fake goods thrives because of the demands of the fairer sex. SJP in the TV series, Sex and the City tells us that when it comes to handbags and accessories, women will die for anything by Louis Vuitton. A Vuitton handbag starts at $5,000 – a price most women can’t afford so they make do with fakes.

Fakes don’t stop at handbags but encompass eyelashes, hair, nails, boobs, noses, lips, bottoms and more.

Last year, bottom implants and lifts were the second and third fastest growing plastic surgery procedures. Bottom augmentation with fat grafting – where fat is pulled out of one area of the body and injected into the backside also rose by 15%.

But Bushenyi Woman, or Bunyoro Woman or Kigezi Woman need not worry, for bless them, they come born with bottom implants already installed and activated – so I assume. It be the women from Maadi, Kitgum, Koboko, Gulu who traditionally have a zero butt that have to look  £1,750 (sh8.6m)+, being the cost to have all sorts of fats and silicones injected into their bottoms that do not sit right.

However, for those who can’t raise the money, worry not. Kikkubo Woman Trader, (near Tourist Hotel) has imported fake butt underwear, and it’s the cheaper option. It comes in various sizes and is worn as you would normal knickers – except when you in the club, Kampala Road or the taxi-park and we men grab it for a squeeze, it won’t excite for it has a bland back-to-school pillow feel about it.

Fake body parts don’t end with the bottom, nose, boobs or fingernails. There is more, and it might be a good idea to send House-ee to the duuka for a muzinga ofUg Wa to get you through the last part of the column    

Virginia Care, a German company is selling – wait for it, wait for it - fake hymens that burst and spill fake blood to trick husbands into thinking she is a virgin. Virginia Care offers a package of two ultra-thin membranes that women can insert into themselves to make it appear that their hymen is not broken. Each membrane consists of two cellulose skins between which a sterile, freeze-dried blood powder has been injected.

There are two types: Virginia Care Original, which produces a red-brown colour aimed at in-laws for the day after to prove virginity and one that gives a ‘fresh-blood’ look to convince a new husband.

The membranes fix themselves in place using the warmth and moisture inside the woman’s body, and then when it is broken during sex, the blood mixture provides ‘evidence’ that she is a virgin.

Gentlemen, with all that, we have to question the composition of Girlfie, Wifey and Fiancée  – even the wholesome full bodied women from Bushenyi or Bunyoro, Matugga, Ku Biiri Stage on Gayaza Road because today, this is how your average woman is built. Choke on this.

Boobs – Silicon Valley, USA
Hymen – Hamburg, Germany
Hair - Philippines/Malaysia
Nails – Mexico
Butt – Organic and harvested from thighs
Eyelashes – United Kingdom
Lips – Silicon Valley, USA

In ten years time, you will find there is no real Girlfie or Wifey. Rather, they will be imports and displayed on the shelves of Nakumatt and not in the club, church or next village.