Wednesday, June 10, 2015

Who Are You Calling Basic?

Granted, we all argue and some of us employ the use of swear words. The ‘F’-word, is one that’s most favoured – perhaps because it’s universal and the message is explicitly clear that we are – err, peeved off, not amused, vexed and despise the person we are hurling the word at.

But it doesn’t just stop at there. For greater effect, the ‘F’-word, is sometimes preceded by another word, but let’s leave it at that – shall we? Cool, because there are other swear words that I can’t mention as the Sunday Vision censor board would duly strike them out.

But we don’t always have to use swear words to froth at the mouth. That young lady on Urban TV – Mary Luswatta that is, does not use swear because it’s not her style. Rather, she belittles using clean words and she does with such effect that the people she belittles don’t belittle her back, but resort to the ‘F’-word because it’s their first line and last line of defence.

Enter a lady called Kate Moss. To the fashionistas, she is one of the world’s top models who, has made a fortune strutting her body down the catwalk in clothes that most women can’t afford to buy.
However, in my Musoga opinion, her body is basic and more like a rack of left over pork spare ribs whose fat and most meat, has been trimmed off by Wandegeya Butcher before he hung it up for sale.
One thing that all models have in common is being prima donnas who throw tantrums, unleash waves of arrogance and of course use the ‘F’-word when they don’t get their way.

But all that’s changing. Women are no longer into the ‘F’-word for its lost its flavour and that ‘out for the count’ punch. Today they belittle – if not, use the hottest diss word on the circuit and that is calling somebody a ‘basic bitch’. Ouch, did you feel that?! In a recent video with the artiste Marc Jacobs, there is a scene where Moss looks says: “...calling all the basic bitches, I have an announcement...you are basic”, while Lady Rapper Kreayshawn, in her video Gucci Gucci raps: “...them basics bitches wear that shit so I don’t even bother!” A 2009 entry in the Urban Dictionary, defines the phrase as: “A bum ass woman who thinks she is the shit but really ain’t”.

In Uganda, there is an endless supply of airhead chicks and who fit the basic bitch profile because they find simple things amusing and fascinating – like taking selfies and on FB, wanting to be friends with everybody – even if they don’t know them, attending all Liquid Silk parties and incredibly, have just figured out how to use the location app on their Samsung. If not, they are crammed into Akamweesi Hostel watching the latest episodes of The Good Wife and realising - with a great sense of pride I might add, that Twitter, is not a soda or chocolate bar, but a social media platform.

So Lady Artiste, when Luswatta on Scoop on Scoop or your BFF disses you, don’t go flapping back by hurling as many ‘F’-words at them as possible. Just retort by calling them basic – if not, go for the jugular and use the whole term - basic bitch, for it leaves a most annoying itch that even the nvunza’s from Kamuli cannot muster.

But if they beat you to the punch and use the basic bitch diss on you, fret not. Call them a froyos – which is an ouch, ouch, ouch diss in reference to airhead chicks who on the weekends, binge on freebie pizzas, KFC and drinks, get rawdogged - then exercise obsessively and eat frozen Jessa yoghurt all week to avoid gaining weight.

Just in case you have no idea what rawdogged means, err, brace yourself. It is jargon for having sex without a condom.

Note: This article was due to run in my column this Sunday, but Sunday Vision and with some justification have pulled it.