Tuesday, July 22, 2014

Ugandan Men, The UK Is Looking For Sperm Donors!

Out there, there are a number of people who are into healthy living. They watch their salt and sugar intake and they drink water. They also go to the gym and so on. Suffice to say, I am so not one of them!

I am not one of them because, whenever I read the health pages in newspapers or magazines, the stories are alarmist. One day they will tell you that drinking two glasses of wine a day is good for you and come the following week, they say it’s not good. One day tea is good for you and the next, it isn’t. Red meat is not good for you as is pork, coffee and even some vegetables so they claim. If you really follow the health pages, they would have us starve to death because all that we eat is not good for our bodies. And I am not prepared to do that – to starve.

However, in the UK, the health experts are in a panic and not because the amount of pork people are eating or wine they are quaffing. They have a far more important issue to worry about like the lack of good quality sperms! Yes, in the UK, the men who donate their sperm to the sperm banks are donating low quality sperms.

Just like we donate blood in Uganda, in the US and Europe, men also donate sperms which, makes good economic sense. When we donate blood, all we get from Nakasero Blood Bank, is a warm Coke or Fanta and a stale Marie biscuit. They don’t even give you transport.

But donating sperm in the US is a different matter. Not only will they give you Playboy magazine or a porn movie to watch whilst you are in the hospital cubicle and for the lack of a better phrase to use – ‘masturbating into a test tube’, they also pay you $80 (Sh180,000) for your efforts!

Though the UK does not pay, you can be compensated for "loss of earnings". The amount you can claim depends on how long the ‘masturbating took’. Hmm!

Now this is where Allan Pacey, chairman of the British Fertility Society comes in. In a press statement issued last week, he said: 'We simply do not have enough sperm donors in the UK'.

I managed to get hold of Pacey’s e-mail address and this is what I had to tell him.

Dear Mr. Pacey,

It is quite obvious why you don’t have enough sperm donors. In the US they pay $80 a pop and in the UK, you get nothing. Don’t you think that men are bored of locking themselves up in the clinic cubicle with a test tube, a pornographic movie or Playboy without getting financial compensation? Do you know how much effort they have to put in while masturbating?

In Uganda, we have many men who are idle. With your permission, I could round up a hundred fit men and have them flown over to London where they would be happy to donate their sperm on condition that they are compensated.

As expected, Mr. Pacey has yet to reply. But what are the long term effects to those born by test tube? I mean, in the school playgrounds when a kid asks, where does your dad come from, what would the reply be? “From a test tube?

And if Uganda had a sperm bank, would the corporate fraternity and celebs line up to give their sperms? Who sperm would be on demand? Stephen Kiprotich? Golola Moses? Amooti, the comedian? Or perhaps James ‘FatBoy’ Onen? They downside for the women who would buy the sperm, is that the clinic will not tell you whose sperm you got. Think about it.