Tuesday, May 6, 2014

The Cost Of Beng A Celeb


The Commonwealth Heads of Government Meeting (CHOGM) in 2007 at Speke Resort Munyonyo is all but a distant memory. But in Soya on the outskirts of Bunga, the spirit of CHOGM still lives on. There is a pork place called CHOGM that does brisk business. I was there over the Easter recess and it was a katogo of music, laughter, beer and pork.

There were three competing tables trying to see who was loudest, whose table had crates of beer and who metallic plate held the more spare ribs.

I perched in a corner as the ‘melee’ unfolded along with Hawker selling second hand bed sheets. Hawker sat almost lost for words at what he saw before him. He probably didn’t even realize he had his ‘f**K you’ finger stuck so far up nose and digging away at a niggling blob of snot that had refuse to dislodge.

When it dislodged, he tried to flick it away but it wouldn’t go. Then he tried to smear it under the table but bleak. So he rolled it into a ball then flicked it away. It worked and that got me thinking.

Who invented the art of rolling snot into a ball and flicking it away? Was it the Pilgrim Fathers’ as they sailed across the Atlantic on their way to America? Maybe it was John Speke as he savoured the moment he discovered the source of the River Nile. The ancient Greeks perhaps?

Anyway, whoever invented it should have patent on it, because just about everybody in the world uses the style to get rid of snot.

Getting back. As the three tables made merry, I could not help but be envious. They were having a blast with not a care in the world. The other tables were not bothered with the ruckus that the three tables were making nor were they bothered when Drunk Man tried to pick up Drunk Mama but couldn’t and instead crashed to the floor and in the process knocking over the drinks on the adjoining table. Drunk Man simply stood up in a bewildered state, apologized to the couple whose drinks he knocked and life went on.

Again it got me thinking. If along with the rest of my columnists on this double spread – Ernest Bazanye, Mildred Apenyo, Siima Sabiti and Kizito (along with Laura) we went out on a pork fest and we did exactly what the three tables were doing, this is what would have happened.

We would have had the whole of CHOGM staring at us in horror. Cell phones, IPad’s and tabs would have been swiftly whipped out and photographs taken that in seconds, we would be on the information superhighway of Face Book, Twitter and Instagram, laid bare for the world to see our pathetic behaviour. And the tabloids would have had us on their front page under a headline of: ‘The shame of Sunday Vision!’

Many people out there want to be celebs and I keep telling them that it’s not worth it because you sign your life away.

At a recent function when Queen of one of the kingdoms walked in, the ladies sitting next to me went into overdrive with comments like: “Too much make up; Is she drinking wine in public? Why didn’t she go to the toilet before she came…?” Ouch!

But there are perks to being a celeb but only when things are looking good. Put a foot wrong and it will be next to impossible to walk into Nkumatt or Uchumi without attracting gawps of: “That’s TB, Baz, Siima, Mildred and Kizito who got blazed at CHOGM the other day.” To which the offered response would be: “OMG, how could they do that? It's disgusting!”