Monday, August 26, 2013

Only White Folk Put Forks in Penis's!

I am not the resident New Vision expert on things to do with matters of the bedroom, love and all that romantic talk. That I leave up to Hilary Bainemigisha, Keturah Kamugasa’s Flair magazine and Cynthia Nankumba’s Bride and Groom.

I can stomach Bainemigisha’s love issue scribbles because it's not too deep. He scratches at the surface and leaves the rest up to your imagination.

However, in the back pages of Flair and Bride and Groom, they give it to you straight – and without mincing words. It's there for you in black and white.

Senga, just like Bainemigisha, Flair and Bride and Groom, will tell you that in a relationship, the two issues that are bound to upset the apple cart are sex and money. And when it comes to sex, there is the need to improvise (whatever that is supposed to mean) to spice things up in the bedroom.

Like Senga said at The Bride and Groom Wedding Expo a few weeks ago: “Women, if he is boring you, you should tell him. Don’t just lie there and pretend he's knocking on heavens door!” But we Ugandan’s are prudish when it comes to matters of the bedroom and are ‘conventional’ - wary of experimenting and wary of going against the traditional sexual norms.

However, white folk are different. They experiment, they try out new things and are very liberal but sometimes in their quest for sexual gratification, they go way beyond what I would call ‘acceptable sexual norms’ and that is assuming they do exist.

Last week in Australia, a chap presented himself to the Canberra Hospital emergency department with a bleeding in this ‘thingy’. The doctors had to remove a 10-centimetre fork from his thingy after he had inserted it into his uretha in an attempt to achieve sexual gratification.

Bookmark, bookmark and let’s pause there. He DID what? He put a fork in his thingy to achieve sexual bliss?! A fork if I recall, is an eating implement, a tool you use to pick up food to insert into your mouth. But then again, the man was white and not black and as I told you earlier on, black people and especially we Ugandans, we do not deviate that far off the sexually acceptable line.

Going on, Chap told Doctor he had inserted the fork into his urethra almost 12 hours earlier but the fork - perhaps and unsurprisingly - became stuck. Listen here Chap, it got stuck because it was NOT designed to go into thingy but, into your mouth – duh!

Doctor was able to feel the fork from outside and remarkable x-ray images showed the utensil wedged into the man's thingy.

Medics finally removed the item using forceps and copious lubrication while Chap was under a general anaesthetic.

That night after dinner and after reading the article, I thought of absconding from the dining table to the bedroom with the fork but House-ee kept on giving me a so ‘do-not-dare-do-it’ look so I duly put the fork back on the plate. Perhaps he too had seen the article?

But why did Chap have to use a fork, a cold stainless steel metal at that? Did he not want body warmth and the feel of a woman’s silky hands caressing his body?

According to the Canberra Times who broke the story, other objects that have been found in thingy’s include wire, Allen keys, toothbrushes, light bulbs, thermometers, plants, vegetables, leeches, snakes and glue. Jeez!

Well that’s white folk for you and I wonder how Senga would react if I told her the story. As a word of caution to Ugandan men, we are black men and black men DO NOT put forks in their thingy’s!