Tuesday, March 26, 2013

Easter Sunday Is A Con

It’s Easter Sunday, so I guess in St. Peters Square, countless of idle Catholics are craning their necks towards a balcony in an attempt to listen to the ramblings of some chap called Francis who holds the post of Pope and who is clad in a white robe and a modified swanky beret.

I have never met this Francis fellow and I have never quite known why Francis (Below) and all who have held the post before him have gone against the agreed norms of male dressing and have decided to wear a robe as their daily wear. The beret, that, I can understand. But the robe, bleak.


Since he became pope, the media have described Francis I as a ‘modern pope’ and if that is the case, why doesn’t he squirt his way down to the shops and buy himself a nice Versace or Hugo Boss suit?

Anyway, I have been doing some reading on what the fuss is about regarding Easter Sunday and frankly there is nothing to it save for it being Sunday.

There are issues with Easter Sunday which I have to bring to your attention. According to the scriptures, some man called Jesus (Below) who didn't go to school but spent his time in bars and gambling dens kicking over tables and chairs, never shaved or had a haircut, did some juju stuff with six loaves of bread and three fish that he was able to feed the equivalent of a capacity filled Namboole Stadium and who wore a tattered robe and who had been killed on a cross the Friday before, rose from the dead.

Pause there. Rose from the dead? Time to consult Google with this question: “Apart from Jesus how many other people have died and been resurrected from the dead?” Google spat out something about people rising from the dead in Nigeria but as we all know Nigeria is just full of con men.

With all the scandals surrounding the church which, they have tried to hide and then you throw in this juju mix of people coming back from the dead, do you really want to be in that square paying homage to Francis as he sashays about on a balcony while wearing his modified beret and a white robe? I think not.

At that, the religiously confused people should stop reading any further and go and read the scriptures or grab a bag of stones to throw at me. By the way, God doesn’t really care about you – he never has. But on the other hand, Allah does. Allah rewards you when you go to heaven. He is so generous that he gives us men 75 virgins to satisfy our lust if we strap a bomb to our bodies and then blow ourselves to smithereens in a crowded market place. And what will God give you this Easter? An Easter egg that costs a mere sh300!

Now that we have gotten rid of the religiously confused people, and I have just over 100 words left to reach my word count, I have had pause for a while because I really don’t know what to write next without offending people. So I will eat up the space by sending a couple of shout outs.

I like Felix Kulagye, the former army spokesman. I once sent him a txt by mistake and thought he was going to give me a roasting since the txt read: “F**k you, tumbavu”. But he took it in his stride and was able to joke about it. And now that Paddy Ankunda is back from Somalia, I dare suppose he will make good on the promise he made when we last met at Zanzi a couple of years ago. 

And to the Christians whom I have gleefully offended, I have two trays of Easter eggs to give out. I don’t need them for I am sure the calling from Allah is soon coming for me to take up the 75 virgins (Below) plus it’s a better deal than tinkering about with Easter eggs don’t you think? Just check out what awaits me.



Pictures: Internet