Monday, March 4, 2013

Real Men Eat Meat and Don't Wear Counterfeit After Shave!

Last week I did the unthinkable. I did something that any self-deserving African man should not be seen to be doing for it is solely the preserve of the Europeans and Americans. I had a vegetarian meal for lunch!
I can literally picture men as far as Kabale and Koboko wanting to jump onto the first bus to Kampala to come and give me a lecture while the Karamajong as I write, are busy arming themselves with an array of spears ready to stab me the moment they see me.
And I wouldn’t stop them if they did, for it was wrong of me. It was a heinous and self-centered act to do. I should have said: “To hell with the medical experts telling us that red meat is not good for us. What do they know? They are merely alarmists and people who have no idea how good meat is for us.” There is also a chance that they have never eaten ‘a young cat’ (if you get my drift) or gorged on fatty slabs of pork in Wandegeya or Ntinda. And with that I should have tossed my veggie meal aside and asked Waiter to bring me a carcass with a nice chunk of fat on it.
But I didn’t and I paid the price. I got a bout of daios and a serious stomach ache.
Eating a vegetarian meal was about as exciting as eating a wet sock that had been heated up in the microwave. There is no joy in it and quite frankly, I do have to sympathize with people who don’t eat meat.
There are also people who don’t partake in milk, cheese or any dairy products. What is wrong with them? I have a good mind to rant at them for the rest of this coloum but I will leave it here and as a reminder to all Ugandan men, real men eat carcasses and the young cat as well!
The counterfeit market is a billion dollar industry. In the Far East, you can buy just about anything from a fake Rolex watch, to Nike trainers to a Nokia phone. The people who engage in this activity take their profession so seriously that most times the customer is unaware that they have bought counterfeit goods.
The first time I can recall buying counterfeit goods was a number of years ago when I bought a watch from a hawker in Ntinda. As I looked at the watch, I could have sworn it read Casio and duly dipped into my wallet and bought it. However, when I got home, it no longer read Casio but Gasio. And two days later the inevitable happened. It stopped working.
It does appear that some people in the industry are lax and it is quite obvious that their counterfeit goods are counterfeit. Last week I was in a store in Munyonyo and above the counter they had an array of perfumes and after shaves. One after shave in particular stood out – Hugo Boss. But there was something amiss. Hugo Boss for a mere 25k? This of course warranted further inspection. When Shop Attendant handed me the box it was plainly obvious what the problem was. It did not read Hugo Boss but Hogu Boos!
I dread to think what it smelt like – probably like a cat’s stale urine. And furthermore, who on earth would buy it and wear it to work? Ah, let me think… men who don’t eat meat or the young cat at that.