Thou Shall Not...

I once had the misfortune of being invited out by a well known hotelier and his cronies for lunch after Friday prayers. I say misfortune for by the time we were done with lunch, the dining hall looked liked it had just played host to all the kids who go Teletubbies pre-school in Bugolobi! There was food scattered all over the floor – and get this, all the way down to the washrooms dare I say.

But for Hotelier, he did not see it as a big deal for after all, he owned the hotel, and because he owned the hotel, he surely must know what constitutes good table manners.

But what Hotelier did not know, is that by the time you go out to lunch or dinner, you have to take into account the setting that you are in. When we had the Friday lunch, Hotelier and Cronies displayed table manners that are more suited to an open air eating joint in the middle of the Taxi Park or Owino market. This is what they did.

Thou shall not spit bones onto the floor:

Regardless of what you are eating you do not spit your bones out onto the floor. These people were so uncouth that they splattered the floor with fish bones. Bones if anything are supposed to be discarded onto a side plate or to one side of your plate.

Thou shall not fight with the bone:

Some people like to wrestle with the bone. While there is nothing wrong with that, you have to take into account the situation that you are in. Fighting with the bone in the Owini restaurant or at Zanzi is perfectly acceptable. However no matter how appetizing the bone may look to bite on, doing it in a hotel is not on. In this case one man fought with the bone and in the process not only managed to soil half of his face, he also solid his shirt and trousers.

Thou shall not use your hands:

While using your hands is not taboo, again you have to take into account the situation that you are in. In this case the use of hands was not acceptable because the setting deemed it so. A knife and a fork were a must use but because some of the people found it easier to use their hands, that is what they did.

Thou shall ask if you don’t know:

At some point – perhaps before the start of the meal or at the end of it, Waiter shall place a small bowl which contains some water and a slice of lemon. Cronies, this is not an appetizer or a desert.

Thou shall not pick up the bowl drink its contents and then bite into the lemon as Crony did!

I should have told Crony that what he was doing was wrong, but because he had this air of having been to Dubai a couple of times, he was thus well travelled, so I let him be to make a mockery of himself.

But they did not just stop at displaying bad Table manners. They went a step further and starting cavorting with the female staff. And Hotelier had no problem with that because he even sent for out the ample and plump waitresses.

When they turned up, it was all about butt slapping, groping and asking for their cellphone numbers and dates. And because Hotelier was on the same table as Cronies, what would Ample or Plump Waitress say or do but to give into Cronies demands and say ‘yes’.